People's Exhibit 198A & 199A
011203 ─ 1804 02-142591
RECORDED PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN AMBER FREY AND SCOTT PETERSON: January 12, 2003 at 1804 hours
Page 1 of 36
PETERSON: Hey, Amber, it’s Scott.
FREY: Hey, that’s a late afternoon.
PETERSON: I know it, I know it. Uh…the first thing I just have to say is that I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a call until now.
PETERSON: But I wanted to call you when I would just have a chance to sit down for an hour or so.
PETERSON: And now is…now is the time I can so yeah, it’s definitely not afternoon anymore.
FREY: I know, I figured you must have some reason or another.
PETERSON: Yeah, yeah. How are you?
FREY: I don’t know. I’m still asking myself that question everyday.
PETERSON: Yeah. What are you feeling?
FREY: What was that?
FREY: Yeah, which I didn’t hear what you said.
PETERSON: What are you feeling?
FREY: What am I doing?
FREY: Oh, that’s what I say, I couldn’t understand you.
Page 2 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: Let me catch my breath here.
PETERSON: Have you been exercising or working out or something?
FREY: No just putting stuff away and doing things trying to keep busy. Um…
FREY: That’s a hard question to narrow down honestly.
FREY: Yeah, I came across the letter I wrote you um…today and uh…
PETERSON: Oh, yeah.
FREY: It was hard for me to read.
PETERSON: So, when did you write it?
FREY: When was it written?
PETERSON: What’s that, Amber?
FREY: I said would you like to hear it?
PETERSON: I would, I would. When was it written?
FREY: December 24th.
PETERSON: Yeah, I’d like to hear it if you would share it with me.
PETERSON: Thank you.
Page 3 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: Um…(sigh) Let’s see if I can make it through without crying this time. Um…Dear Scott, Ayianna is asleep now. It’s 10:28 p.m. and everything is ready for tomorrow. It has been quite an eventful week already for us. Grandma is with Dad, Sis, and family then Mom’s etcetera. And tonight my friend Richard invited me to dinner at his friend Tom’s house, a very nice family. They remind me of how Shawn’s family is. (sigh) Finally, tomorrow at Aunt Diana’s and Uncle Doug’s house and the rest of the family and friends at 2:00 p.m. After I leave there my last stop will be my step- sister Diana and her husband Tim and two boys, then home and life goes back to normal. And I put little, you know, parenthesis or quotes, whatever that may be.
FREY: I already miss you. You didn’t call like you said you would. I just hope you’re having a good time with your family. I did mention that I miss you? It’s hard for me to believe I’m not going to be seeing you for another five weeks. That’s roughly 35 days or so. I know it’s not that long, but that’s already longer than I’ve known you already or now. Um…do you think…do you think you’ll meet someone while you’re gone and be tempted? Or do you know any women where you’re going that you might have an attraction to? I feel so lost as to…and then I just put a question mark, I didn’t finish. I really don’t know what your world is like. I would like to go to Sac with you when you get back and spend some time on your grounds and meet your friends too. My heart hurts when I talk to you on the phone and I really don’t want to be sad or down when I talk to you and I need to work on that. Um…I’m happy for you that you’ve got to spend time with your brother and dad and uncle for Thanksgiving and now your mom and dad for Christmas. You know, I feel sad because I feel lonely inside and that I wish you were spending these times with me too. I don’t feel included in your life yet and I know everything is still new. Are things always going to be like this, you gone and rushing off even on the phone because I need more in my life and I hate not knowing when I’m going to hear from you again. I can…hello, are you there?
FREY: Um…how can I or we deal with that, not care? That certainly would hurt less. Working on loving you. Amber.
PETERSON: Oh! (lots of static) That was really nice. You said it all right in one of the last sentences didn’t you?
Page 4 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: What’s that?
PETERSON: With um…hurting less. Read that one to me again.
FREY: I’ll start in by I hate no knowing when I’m going to hear from you again. How can I or we deal with that, not care? That certainly would hurt less. Working on loving you. Amber.
FREY: So what part were you…?
PETERSON: It’s beautiful. Amber?
FREY: I’m here.
PETERSON: Okay, good. Thank you for reading that to me. Thank you for sharing it with me. I’m sorry that it upsets you to read it. I shouldn’t be hurting you.
FREY: Well, you’ve been dishonest with me Scott.
PETERSON: I know it.
FREY: You weren’t with your family on Thanksgiving.
PETERSON: I know it.
FREY: You’ve been fibbing. you weren’t who you said you were with on Christmas. And I was hurting already about that, Scott, how’s that fair to me?
PETERSON: It’s not fair to you at all, Amber. It’s not fair to you at all. You deserve so much better.
FREY: I just still don’t understand why you carried on so many lies with me. What…what purpose have they or were they to serve?
PETERSON: I don’t know. I don’t know.
FREY: You know, is there any way for you to make sense of all of this for me?
PETERSON: What’s that, Amber?
Page 5 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: ??? said is there any way that you can make sense of all this for me?
PETERSON: _________ and time.
FREY: And what’s gonna resolve in time?
PETERSON: Well, I mean the situation will be resolved.
FREY: And how…how are you certain that it will be?
PETERSON: It’ll be re…I mean they will find her.
FREY: And that’s gonna make sense of everything to me?
PETERSON: Then you’ll know everything.
FREY: I…I…I don’t…
PETERSON: And then it’ll make sense.
PETERSON: And then it will make sense to you.
FREY: I…I…do you know where she is?
PETERSON: No, I don’t. I wish I did. The one thing we want, that’s the only thing we need to know.
FREY: What was that?
PETERSON: The one thing we need, everyone…
FREY: You know, I read the paper today and um…it said today was her baby shower?
Page 6 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: And uh…her baby’s due date you told me was the 16th, but I’ve read now twice it’s on my birthday on February 10th.
PETERSON: Yeah. Well, her…she had an appointment Monday, the 23rd, and the doctor said it was the 16th.
FREY: Yeah, that’s hitting home pretty…
PETERSON: I know.
FREY: I still don’t understand our conversation about when I was talking about taking birth control or something and you said that you didn’t want to have…
FREY: …you didn’t need to have a child of your own.
FREY: And that Ayianna was the only child.
PETERSON: Yeah, if we, you know, are together um…I would treat Ayianna as my own.
FREY: But you had a child on the way that whole time in that conversation and I don’t under…I don’t understand where you’re coming from, Scott.
PETERSON: I understand your confusion definitely.
FREY: Yes, I am.
FREY: You’re the only one I can find answers in.
PETERSON: But I can’t give you any answers now. And I don’t want to start saying that like you said I sound like a broken record when I tried saying it.
PETERSON: And it’s not fair to you.
FREY: No, it’s not.
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PETERSON: But it…no, of course not.
FREY: I don’t understand, Scott. I…I…I am so frustrated inside.
FREY: For you to say those words to me when you knew you had a child on the way ( ). I mean where did you see our relationship going before all this happened?
PETERSON: I think you could see, you know, a beautiful relationship, Amber.
FREY: Why wasn’t it with Laci?
PETERSON: Sweetie, I’m sorry I don’t have a right to call you Sweetie. Amber, um…don’t…don’t…I mean you’ve asked that question and the only thing I can say is that is I can’t tell you everything I want to at this point.
FREY: Will you ever?
PETERSON: Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
FREY: ) You know, I’m the only one on this side that’s affected by this, you know.
PETERSON: I know it.
FREY: I mean, why…why did you go out of your way to meet all of my friends and try so hard. I mean you told Denise to hug her, you wouldn’t shake her hand. I mean what…why did you try so hard and why…what was that about?
PETERSON: Something you taught me.
FREY: Something I taught you?
PETERSON: Yeah, you taught me so much about human interaction and contact.
FREY: I doesn’t sound like you had a problem with the friends and family around you.
PETERSON: But I’ve never until I met you been at the level of touch and hug and just having a hand on someone and feeling that energy before you taught me that.
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FREY: But the things I read that your family and her family and have said about you, I…I have…I find that hard to believe that, Scott.
PETERSON: Well, it’s true. I mean I would never um…I just wasn’t much on the physical touch contact before I met you and realized how powerful it is. I mean, you know, you have such an amazing presence when you just, you know, hold someone’s hand or touch them. And I know that the rest of us don’t have that kind of power in our touch, uh…but it’s…it’s something that’s beautiful and just really changed me into…into touching people more and hugging, you know, complete strangers and…
FREY: I don’t…I don’t share those things with complete strangers, Scott. Those are very selective times or moments and interactions with me. Those aren’t…
PETERSON: Yeah, well, you broke down a lot of those boundaries for me. You showed me the power of it.
FREY: Okay. So your letter was very hard for me to read. I cannot read your writing that well.
PETERSON: Um…yeah. Well, yeah.
FREY: And it was very inpersonable.
PETERSON: No, it’s not at all.
FREY: Oh, certainly it is.
PETERSON: I don’t think so.
FREY: There’s no substance as far as…
FREY: It’s…it’s…it’s about me. I mean an outsider, me, but it’s…
Page 9 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
PETERSON: How…I was trying to express how you are and, you know, and one small part of you, how that one small part of you.
FREY: In your last sentence you missed out some words cause I have no idea what it says. It is what, something…
PETERSON: Well, you have three rough drafts there, you have no finished…
FREY: Okay. Well, it is what something, something never learned this. I mean I don’t know what you said there at all.
FREY: Do you remember what you were trying to say?
PETERSON: I think it may be um…something about, you know, that some people can never learn that, you know, the caring and the feeling that you put into everything and other people can’t learn that at all. And how you’ve been able to keep it and learn it.
FREY: Yeah, I had no idea what you were…
FREY: …trying to write there. (
PETERSON: I’m sorry.
FREY: And uh…why weren’t you on that broadcast on Friday?
PETERSON: On Friday?
FREY: Why weren’t you at the uh…that broadcast that was on Friday?
PETERSON: What was it?
FREY: On Friday, the one that you told me about previously that was…?
PETERSON: Oh, on the radio broadcast in the morning?
FREY: Why weren’t you there?
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PETERSON: Um…just because I was told not to be there.
FREY: By who? You’re not doing everything they advise you not to do?
PETERSON: True, Well, there’s only one thing I’m breaking. But yeah, you just saw all the weird stuff on Thursday night.
FREY: What was that?
PETERSON: You saw all the weird stuff on Thursday night.
FREY: I saw?
PETERSON: Did you see the news coverage Thursday night, all the weird stuff?
FREY: No, I didn’t actually. What was on it?
PETERSON: It was about um…that they had used sonar in the Berkeley Marina and had found an object which, they give a 50 percent change of being a body.
FREY: Uh-hum. Well, I read that whatever…it was an anchor, I read that.
PETERSON: Yeah. So I just received basically a bunch of phone calls from the press regarding that um…and a lot more hate calls and hate stuff and people thought oh, you know, hair’s the proof he…he did this. Um…so called me that night and said hey, you do not do this radio thing because all that’s gonna happen is people are gonna accuse you.
PETERSON: And then also the PR person, this um…Kim Peterson that I’ve told you about.
PETERSON: Kim Peterson’s her name.
PETERSON: She told me not to do it as well and I didn’t do it.
FREY: So what did your day consist of?
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FREY: Uh hum
PETERSON: Today I went to the Volunteer Center at 7:00 and was there until about 7:30 and then I went over to uh…there’s a church over here called the Big Valley Church.
FREY: Uh hum.
PETERSON: I was invited there by the um…Sergeant Cloward. If you’re read the paper you probably saw his name. He’s the one leading the search. He invited me to go with his family because they were having a special prayer um…there for Laci, so I attended that service. I didn’t stay until the end because I had another service to go to and that’s when I called you. Um…and then I went to a service at Calvary Church and went to their special prayer service. And I didn’t know anyone there, but it was amazing. I walked in and I got there a couple minutes late and um…one of the ushers, you know, told me that the mezzanine had openings, so I went up to the mezzanine and I was sitting on the…or rather standing behind most of the people on the right-hand side. And uh…I stood there for 5 or 10 minutes and out of the blue someone from the left- hand side…you have to go down and up and it’s a long ways, um…came over and invited me to sit with his family through the service. And it was the most beautiful thing, really…really kind of them. So uh…I went and sat with them for the rest of the service. When that was over I um…went out to Berkeley to my sister’s, she was having her latest child, Ryan, baptized today. So I went to the baptism with her and her husband and her kids. After that, I went back to the Volunteer Center and answered some calls and stuff. But it was um…an amazing thing, I just haven’t been in church for a long time. And I went last night as well to a couple special prayer things and there was positive energy from people and just their caring was just unparalleled. It really showed me, you know, what humanity there is. And I uh…I was uncomfortable at first, but I just gradually realized how welcome everyone is. So I kept intruding but, you know, I realized that I wasn’t. Everyone there was so thoughtful. It was so nice to see all those people together. You know, one thing to worship and pray and sing and I’d never seen organized religion or church through those eyes before. I’ve seen people’s personal faith or a small group of people. On Saturday I went to um…a few of those guys from Rotary invited me over to their home and, you know, I saw their _______and prayers and…but to see a mass of people, I was…I don’t know what to say about it, but it was really special.
Page 12 of 36 -- January 12, 2003 at 6:04 p.m., People’s 198A
FREY: Are you sick, Scott?
PETERSON: I’m sorry?
FREY: Are you sick?
PETERSON: No, I don’t think so.
FREY: Oh, are you driving?
PETERSON: No. Why was I sick?
PETERSON: Because I was sniffling?
PETERSON: Why, do you think I’m driving or sick?
FREY: Oh, it sounded like you were sniffling or something.
PETERSON: Oh, I was. I’m just…I don’t know, I just…I get choked up pretty easy right now. Today I felt I don’t know, numb, when I was driving about the whole thing.
FREY: About what whole thing?
PETERSON: Well, I mean like yesterday I had to just stop a few times because emotions uh…got the better of me and I had been thinking it’s not smart to be driving or walking around so I had to stop for few minutes. And then in church today I was, you know, out of control sometimes. Um…but then like driving out to Berkeley, it’s uh..you know an hour and 15 minute drive or something and I was just kinda numb and it was strange. I mean it’s kind of a self-defense thing. Last night like after the prayer sessions um…I called up my parents and my mom was in the emergency room, the stress and the media stuff has gotten to her and she took something and went to the emergency room. And she was there for a few hours. I was there for 3 hours and I got there for the last couple. But it was…I know they um…gave her a bunch of morphine, not a bunch, it was ___. It’s so strange to see her on it that she was mumbling and drooling and kicking at the bed. All this stress has gotten to her all of a sudden and she was vomiting and it’s so scary.
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PETERSON: I received or have received in the past uh…a few nights a phone call and I don’t know if it’s a guy or a girl uh…but a person screaming across the phone at me um…my mobile.
PETERSON: I have a person who calls at like 2:00 in the morning or so and they say “Scott Peterson, you killed her. You’re going to kill your mom now. She’s on oxygen, you need to come clean and don’t kill your mom.” And then when I was in that emergency room and saw her, just the stress has just gotten to her. And then that same person called back this morning at 2:30.
FREY: You don’t know who it is?
PETERSON: No. And the person was just in tears on the phone and they don’t…they talk so much, they don’t allow you to speak, but um…he or she just said, “I’m sorry I blamed you. You had nothing to do with this. I’m so sorry that this has happened”, and then hung up.
FREY: Did it show a phone number?
PETERSON: It’s a Caller ID blocked.
FREY: I mean there’s only a few people that have your number.
PETERSON: Oh, everyone has my mobile number now. All the press call it, I don’t know how they got it. I get, you know, threats, positive stuff.
FREY: Well um…(sigh)
PETERSON: Yeah, I got a lot more threats and negative stuff before they found the anchor in the Bay.
PETERSON: Everyone thought ah-ha, he did do it.
FREY: Yeah, but that still doesn’t…you know, you have…you have to be in my shoes again and look through my eyes and you’ve lied to me since day one.
PETERSON: I know it.
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FREY: You’ve lied to Shawn since day one. Doesn’t look favorable for you.
PETERSON: It’s a horrible thing I did, there’s no question.
FREY: You know Shawn…
PETERSON: It’s a terrible thing. How is she?
FREY: You know, Shawn, I…I just don’t understand, you know, Shawn, Shawn was so clear with you several times and again when she asked you, you know, “Scott, you know, I heard you’re married. She said, “All I care…”, she said, “I don’t care if you’ve been married. Are you currently married?” And you said what?
PETERSON: That I had lost my wife.
FREY: That you had lost your wife?
FREY: Is that how you answered it? You never said no?
PETERSON: I’m sorry?
FREY: You never said…
PETERSON: No, I denied it entirely…I denied it entirely the first time. And then I called her back later.
PETERSON: And told her the truth.
FREY: What did you tell her?
PETERSON: That I lost my wife.
FREY: Yeah. But you didn’t say you weren’t…you said you weren’t married. She said, “I don’t care if you were married or whatever else, all I care is that you’re currently not married”
PETERSON: Yeah. Well, I lied to her at first and told her I was never married. And then I…I called her back and told her the truth.
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FREY: And you said you lost your wife and what…I mean what sense do think people think when you say that, in lost? I mean I took it and she took it as she had passed away?
PETERSON: …recently dead. Yeah, I know you did.
FREY: How else…how else is one to think any different than that, Scott?
PETERSON: Well, I mean…
FREY: And you didn’t indicate you’re currently married and living with her?
FREY: You lied about where you lived. You said you lived in Sacramento. And I asked if you had a home in Modesto too and you said no, right?
PETERSON: Yeah, that’s what I said.
FREY: So when you came back…well, see, and…and..and at this point you were never going to Europe. I don’t understand. I mean in this time frame were you gonna resolve things with your wife?
PETERSON: No. What’s that?
FREY: I said in that time…?
PETERSON: I was…I’m sorry, go ahead.
FREY: In that time frame when you said you were going to be leaving…(static on line) Can you hear me, what’s going on?
PETERSON: Yeah, I can hear you. Amber?
PETERSON: Okay, yeah, I can hear you.
FREY: In that time frame you asked me um…or you said you were gonna to be in Maine and then Europe and you gave me specific dates. You know and you said well, you know, when we get…when you get back from there, you know, we’re gonna be together and, you know, you…you said I just hope, you know, they’ll be a point when
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FREY: you want to make a decision or you’re going to make a decision for Ayianna and I that, you know, I could trust you enough to say yes. I mean where were you going with that?
PETERSON: Well, I mean I…I lied to you about obviously where I would be during the holidays.
FREY: Yes obviously.
PETERSON: I mean you know that. Um…and then, you know, I’m hoping…there’s always been hope in the future for us.
FREY: I know, but after the holidays, after New Year’s, why was there still gonna…why was there still gonna be a whole nother month before I get to see you?
PETERSON: Well, because I was planning the Europe trip was planned for, not New Year’s, the week after New Year’s basically. And then I’d be back um…earlier than…that I lied to you about.
FREY: And how do I know you’re still not lying, that you’re ever even gonna go?
PETERSON: I don’t know.
FREY: So you were still gonna come back and be married and presume a relationship with me?
FREY: And at what point were you going to get divorced, or were you? Are you?
PETERSON: Um…I don’t want to do the broken record thing, Amber.
PETERSON: I don’t want to do the broken record thing with you.
FREY: But you still want to be…you still wanted to be my…I…I’m sorry, but I don’t…I don’t see how that is right in any way that you be married and be with me.
PETERSON: Well, there’s, you know, things we need to talk about. That’s not a satisfactory answer for you, but I wish I could…
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FREY: How is that…how is that…
PETERSON: I wish…I wish I could tell you more.
FREY: How is that okay with you, that you had a girlfriend and married? I mean how is that…that just…that just is beside me. I…I don’t understand.
PETERSON: Yeah, I know you can’t understand.
PETERSON: You can’t understand at this point and I never expected you to or asked you to.
FREY: Scott, Scott?
FREY: Knowing…knowing me and the timeframe that you do and knowing what I went through in my life…
FREY: And my thoughts. I mean it’s so strange our conversations we had, I gave you an open door many times to be honest with me, yet you still persisted in lying.
PETERSON: Yes, I did, you’re right.
FREY: You know, I mentioned, you know, my sister, why I was upset why she moved in so quickly, she didn’t allow a lot of time between a relationship. And here you’re still married and pursuing me. Wow, I bet you wanted to shit your pants then, huh?
PETERSON: I never lied to you in how I feel about you.
FREY: Okay, well…
PETERSON: …or those conversations. I lied to you about the travel and the situation.
FREY: But you knew where I was coming from, Scott, and you knew how…
PETERSON: And I should have never…
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FREY: You know…
PETERSON: I should have never hurt you like this, Amber.
FREY: My fragileness were mixed up in this whole situation.
PETERSON: I know, yeah.
FREY: And how long…how long had I been single, do you recall? How long had I been single without…?
PETERSON: Um…a couple of years?
FREY: Yeah. Why?
PETERSON: Because you thought it was the best thing.
FREY: Because I was getting my act together, my things taken care of because for me and my daughter. That’s been my first…
PETERSON: Yeah, taking care of Ayianna, that’s amazing.
FREY: First and foremost. And then…and then my best friend sets me up with someone she thought…she said, “Amber, I would never set you up with him if I didn’t think that he was a great guy and would be good for you as well as you be good for him.”
FREY: You know that…you don’t think that…I’m not the only one that’s hurting.
PETERSON: I know it, that I’ve hurt uh…
FREY: And I’m not the only one that’s confused…
PETERSON: …the situation and I’ve hurt a lot of people. I should never had lied to you, I should have never…I should have told you everything um…from the onset.
FREY: So now you can’t?
PETERSON: I can’t right now, no. And, you know, I’ve said that um…many times and it’s just…it’s to tell the truth it…(inaudible)
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FREY: So knowing these things and, you know, spending the time you spent with me and…and staying the night with me and our early morning conversations about, you know, different subjects, I mean personal, personal things.
FREY: You know, you…you led me to believe you were…
PETERSON: I was…I was terrible to you, I was wrong to you. It was wrong to…it was simply wrong to lie to you. It was wrong to lie period, but knowing, you know, what I did about your situation and…unthinkable…
FREY: You learned a lot about me the first…our first date. You learned a lot about where I was coming from.
PETERSON: Yeah. That’s still a moment I treasure, that morning that I took you back to your car and you kissed me goodbye or good morning. I felt so much emotion from you that I was thinking about that today.
FREY: You know, and then I mean…
PETERSON: I should have taken care of you so much better, Amber.
FREY: You know and the intimacy that I shared with you…
FREY: You make me feel like a complete fool, Scott.
PETERSON: I’m so sorry, Amber. You’re not a fool and I’m so sorry that I put you in a position where you could feel that. You are amazing, kind, loving person and I mistreated to an unbelievable degree and I should have never taken advantage of how great you are.
FREY: Well, I could just chalk it up to…
PETERSON: Without telling you the truth. What’s that?
FREY: ( ) Nothing.
PETERSON: _____what do you want…what…something your feeling, something you want to say? Can you answer…go ahead.
FREY: Can I answer what?
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PETERSON: No, nothing. I don’t want to cut you off, what were you about…
FREY: No, go ahead, what were you gonna say?
PETERSON: Please, Amber.
FREY: I just remember on Christmas or the Sunday that I was over at my mom’s ( ) and I was talking about you to them and I said, you know, it’s kind of…I said it’s weird to say because I haven’t…I said to say you were my boyfriend because I go I haven’t used that term in so long, I said it feels so weird…
FREY: …to me to say that.
FREY: And I was so happy to have met. ) And it was so hard for me…
PETERSON: I’m sorry that I ruined that…
FREY: …it was so hard for me and I battled with it and there’s a reason I battled with it, which I know now, the trust with you. I mean, I don’t know how many conversations we had about that.
PETERSON: We had a lot.
FREY: And it’s all for a reason.
PETERSON: You knew, yeah.
FREY: It’s all for a reason and I struggled with that and I would get so upset with myself that I…that I could even think these things, but it’s because they were true.
PETERSON: Can you answer my question from earlier about what you’re feeling?
FREY: ) ) That question’s hard to sum up.
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PETERSON: I know it.
FREY: Because I’m feeling so many different things. This has been an unbelievable mind fuck to put it in short.
FREY: You know, which…you know, which I…I…either you’re a compulsive liar, pathological liar if I can put it in terms in that. You know, I don’t know what to believe from you.
PETERSON: I know it.
FREY: And I remember late at night when I…you said, “Amber, no matter what, or when I say you’re beautiful, I don’t just mean, you know, your physical but your beauty inside. So when I say that, remember that.” And it wasn’t special what you were trying to say the other day, it was beautiful.
PETERSON: Um…yeah. But you know how true that is.
FREY: So if I’m all these things, why are you putting me through this right now ( ) Why do I have to feel this hurt, Scott.
PETERSON: You don’t deserve it, Amber. I did it to you. I’ve dragged you into this.
FREY: Why do I have to feel this hurt?
PETERSON: There’s no reason for you to be going through this, Amber. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be going through this except for me.
FREY: It’s like a nightmare. I mean I was…I was looking at the walls earlier this week ( ) and it was late at night and I said I feel like I’m…am I…am I just in this just this horrible nightmare, did I get in an accident and I’m just in this coma that I can’t wake up from because…
PETERSON: Oh, Amber…
FREY: …it’s been a nightmare for me.
PETERSON: I’m so sorry I got you involved in this. You do not deserve this, it should not be happening to you. And there’s only one thing to blame and that’s me.
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FREY: ) So make it all stop, Scott.
PETERSON: I want to, I want to, Amber. I want to (
FREY: ) You asked me one thing to do to ask of you that you had total control of, that the only thing and the thing I’ve thought about is just for you to ( ) make all this stop.
PETERSON: I wish this never happened. The only thing we can do is for us to find her and end it. And I’m so sorry that you’re involved in it. There is no way that you did anything to put yourself in this situation except trusting and I…I was so wrong by you. I hope that at some point you can allow me to try to take care of you.
FREY: To what?
PETERSON: To take care of you.
FREY: I’d have to be out of my mind.
PETERSON: Keep hoping for that miracle, Amber.
FREY: You talked about jaded one time.
PETERSON: Yeah. And you know that you did nothing to deserve this. You know that I mean the only thing to blame in this situation is me, right?
FREY: Why did this situation have to happen, why?
PETERSON: I don’t know. Why do things happen to people like this, I don’t know.
FREY: You know it’s because…it’s become almost like a routine in my life. When things are starting to go really good, then I just get totally knocked down.
FREY: And then I have to build back up again ( ) from where I started.
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FREY: And, you know, it’s just…it’s just a reoccurring pattern of my life of being fucked and fucked again. You know when I told you…when I told you that Dave lying to me about his wife dying, why couldn’t you have even told me then?
FREY: I mean I…that’s another thing I’m sure, you know, you heard that Dave call Anita and he was lying to her too.
FREY: ) Do I just like…is it written all over me, you know, sucker or something? Oh, here’s a person I can easily take advantage of, she’s just so naïve.
PETERSON: No, God no, Amber, no.
FREY: I’m so trusting of people.
PETERSON: Yeah, you’re wonderful.
FREY: I could take advantage of this person. Why do so many people do that to me? I don’t even know. I mean those are questions I’m asking why? Why do people do this to me? What do I deserve…why do I deserve this?
PETERSON: You don’t deserve it, that’s the only answer there is to that and I don’t know why.
FREY: Why do I deserve…why…why was I abandoned by someone I loved and trusted, why was my baby and I abandoned? Why was I stolen…I’ve had so many mis-happens in my life or misfortunes. I’m just…I’m…I’m…I’m borderline just ready to lose it.
PETERSON: I’m so sorry, Amber. You don’t deserve anything like you’ve been put through.
PETERSON: You are so amazing. And it seems so unfair that you’ve had to go through so much.
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FREY: I can remember last year when I was still in school and it was winter and I remember walking Ayianna and thinking and praying to God and my hands are up, you know, obviously there’s something else in store for me and you just don’t want me to have anybody in my life right now. Okay, my hands are up, I’m…I…I…you know what, you’ll bring someone into my life when you’re ready for me to have someone. And you didn’t come in my life until recently so I thought well, you know, Shawn was the one that brought you to me so maybe this…he’s, you know, you’re the one that he wanted me to have. And then I…I probably shouldn’t even tell you these things because really it just…
PETERSON: No, it’s beautiful and I hope…you should. And I wish I had an answer for you, Amber. You don’t deserve what’s happened to you. All I can say is I mean you’re just the best, of things and…
FREY: What’s the best? What’s the best?
PETERSON: Someone to take care of you to be your partner and everything, someone appropriate to how wonderful you are.
FREY: And how…I don’t know how I’ll ever find that person because I thought that person was you.
PETERSON: I know, Amber, and I really destroyed it in lying to you.
FREY: I don’t feel you honestly care.
PETERSON: I do. I wish you could…
FREY: I really don’t. I mean you lied…you’ve lied to me the whole time I’ve know you so how can you say you even care?
PETERSON: I do care about you, Amber. I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through all of these things, Amber.
PETERSON: I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all these things and I dragged you into another situation.
FREY: ) So explain, you said I can’t…I don’t…you said something about when you got back from Europe you would explain it then, but you said let’s just enjoy our time now.
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FREY: So what was it you couldn’t explain then?
PETERSON: ) I…I can’t explain it now, Amber. Let me read one thing I read last night for you.
FREY: All right.
PETERSON: Another poem.
PETERSON: Is that okay.
PETERSON: I’m sorry?
FREY: Where from?
PETERSON: Um…it’s a book of poetry, let me find the author.
PETERSON: Um…hold on, I’ll find out who the author is. I thought I had dog- eared it, oh, Shelaire Belloc, B-E-L-L-O-C. I don’t know if that’s the proper pronunciation. Um…the poem’s entitled Juliet. It reads, “How did the party go in Portland Square? I cannot tell you, Juliet was not there. And how did Lady Gastor’s party go? Juliet was next to me and I do not know.”
FREY: Do you remember the first poem you read me…having read to me?
FREY: About the storm and…
FREY: That’s from Isiah 27 if I’m remembering it right is what you…
PETERSON: What do you think of this one entitled Juliet? Can you see yourself as the Juliet in that?
PETERSON: Can you see yourself as the Juliet in this poem?
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FREY: Can I see myself as Juliet?
PETERSON: Yeah, can you see yourself reflected in this?
FREY: Read it again.
PETERSON: What’s that?
FREY: I said read it again for me.
PETERSON: All right. “How did the party go in Portland Square? I cannot tell you, Juliet was not there. And how did Lady Gastor’s party go? Juliet was next to me and I do not know.”
FREY: So can I see myself as Juliet in what?
PETERSON: In this poem?
FREY: Being at…not at one party and at the next?
PETERSON: Okay, I’ll read the first part again.
FREY: Okay, I’m not understanding.
PETERSON: I know, I know. Um…”How did the party go in Portland Square?”
FREY: In Portland Square, okay.
PETERSON: Portland Square’s not important. How did the party go?
FREY: Uh hum.
PETERSON: “I cannot tell you, Juliet was not there.”
FREY: Okay, and this is referring to who?
PETERSON: So, well, I mean it’s let’s say that Jim is asking John how it went in Portland Square. And John replied, Jim I can’t tell you because Juliet was not there. So John, who does not want to be where Juliet is not…
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PETERSON: Second stanza. “And how did Lady Gastor’s party go?” So Jim asking John again about the party. And John replied, “Juliet was next to me and I do not know”, indicating to me that the only thing John cares about is Juliet. The only reason for going to the party is Juliet and the only thing that occupies his thoughts is Juliet, he doesn’t know how the party went.
PETERSON: Or anything else goes, he has a chance to be with Juliet. I just thought it reflected you with everyone, how everyone feels about you.
FREY: And who’s everyone?
PETERSON: Your family, your loved ones, your friends, everyone you come in contact with, Amber. It reflects all those people. They could all be the person saying these things, the person John is…everyone that you come in contact with doesn’t want to be somewhere where you’re not.
PETERSON: And if they’re with you doesn’t…
FREY: Then why is it that I’ve been so alone for so long? Can you answer me that, Scott?
FREY: Yeah, I can’t believe that cause I ask that question a lot.
PETERSON: Oh, I’m sorry.
FREY: If I’m all these things then why am I always going to the party alone? Why am I always going places alone? Why?
PETERSON: I don’t have an answer for that. The only thing I can tell you is how amazing you are and how beautiful you are. And I know somebody…I know that everyone around you feels the way this poem reflects. But I can’t tell you why, you know, bad things happen to good people. And I can’t tell you and I know you don’t deserve it and I can’t tell you why these things happen to you.
FREY: So does your family know about me yet?
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FREY: I have a hard time believing that, Scott.
PETERSON: I know you do. I know you do, Amber.
FREY: What do they think about me?
PETERSON: I mean I’ve told them how beautiful you are. And again not, you know, as far as the rest of it.
FREY: Yeah, but, Scott, when I listen to your family and her family talk about you and your marriage…
PETERSON: Yeah, yeah. It’s portrayed very well.
FREY: How…what do you mean portrayed?
PETERSON: That’s what I…
FREY: They’re all lying? Is that what you are saying, they’re all lying?
PETERSON: No. All I’m saying…
FREY: What do you mean that it’s portrayed, what is that supposed to mean?
PETERSON: Um…well, it’s just as I say, it’s the same thing.
FREY: Yeah, that you guys are…people have asked if there’s a girlfriend and they say absolutely not, they had a beautiful loving relationship and marriage. Are you saying that they’re…those…that they’re lying to the public?
PETERSON: Amber, you’re asking for something that I can’t tell you about.
FREY: Because they don’t know about me, Scott.
PETERSON: Not true.
FREY: Oh, I think it is.
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PETERSON: No. Hey, um…I outlined a section of Matthew 13.
PETERSON: I’ll read it again. Um…and I don’t know if you have a Bible in front of you, but um…it was Chapter 13 and then the verse, is that the right term verse, 31. Another parable he put forth to them saying “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed.”
PETERSON: “Which the man took and sowed in his field. Which indeed is least of all the seeds, but when it is grown it is greater than the earth and becomes a tree. So the birds in the air come and nest in its branches.”
FREY: Uh hum.
PETERSON: I really enjoyed that part that tells you that I guess anyone can grow from the least of all seeds into…somewhere where people can…or birds can land. And I’ve learned some other things too. Let’s see. I liked where um…verse 25. Amber, are you there?
FREY: I’m here.
FREY: Where are you at, Matthew?
PETERSON: 13, Chapter 13.
FREY: You know, there’s another chapter I want you to read, okay?
FREY: It’s uh…( ) Chapter 7.
PETERSON: Yeah. Shall I read it now or do you want me to read it…
FREY: You can read on your own. You can read it on your own. Um…again, that’s another one I refer to. You know, since you’re on 13 um…
PETERSON: What’s that?
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FREY: I’ve got my Bible, ah, my Bible in front of me, um…Chapter 13 what?
PETERSON: Oh, what I was reading earlier?
FREY: No, what’s the next verse you were talking about?
PETERSON: Um…there’s a couple of other things. Um…verse 19 was interesting to me.
FREY: Yes. Where?
PETERSON: “When anyone hears the word of the Kingdom and then does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sewn in his heart. He who received the seed by the wayside.”
FREY: And you go back and you say where was the way side, were was that seed?
PETERSON: I’m sorry?
FREY: And what happened to the seed, the parable, the parable that goes with the…
PETERSON: Oh, I didn’t relate it…I did not relate back to that.
FREY: No, I’m just…
PETERSON: Tell me?
FREY: I’m just saying and how to take this, and to read Chapter 13 is…
PETERSON: I should have related it back to by the way side?
FREY: To the way side. Uh…and where’s _______ ground…way side?
PETERSON: To 4?
PETERSON: Oh, huh.
FREY: This Bible goes to…read that one, number 4.
PETERSON: Yeah. “And he sowed some seed fell by the way side and the birds came and devoured them.”
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FREY: In here it says, “The birds of the air came and ate them off”, so that’s what it was referring back to as far as where’s the food and where you’re at.
PETERSON: So this…I mean, okay. So he receives the seeds which, you know, are the words, the truth, right?
PETERSON: And uh…it’s by the way side, the birds steal them away. he doesn’t have the…the truth, the word. So even when it’s told to him again, it gets snatched away by the wicked one.
FREY: So that’s the one, yes.
PETERSON: And it related back to Verse 4?
FREY: As it goes on about the cockle and…and uh…so there’s just…there’s cockle all around you.
FREY: And then the cockle just wants to try to keep pulling you down and it’s scary.
PETERSON: Early on in that chapter or verse um…oh, where is it? Oh, 5, “Some fell on stony places where they did not have much earth and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of roots and were scorched by the sun”. Just ah, maybe and that things can bloom for a short time, but you need to put them in good soil. That’s when life has been scorched.
FREY: Well, underneath the foundation of the root to hold it strong. In which case referring is to you and otherwise because you’ve been dishonest from the beginning, you have no roots.
PETERSON: I agree, I need to place it.
FREY: I did. I did.
PETERSON: And then I need to place it now in good soil.
PETERSON: Hold on just a minute. Hold on just a minute, okay?
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PETERSON: Hey guys. Hey, mom, I’m talking to Amber on the phone. I’ll be done in a few minutes.
PETERSON: Amber? Sorry about that.
PETERSON: Yeah, so I mean I…yeah and I thought that related pretty well. And I need…I need to get some good soil for us.
FREY: For what?
PETERSON: I need to move the seed to good soil.
FREY: I thought you said for us?
PETERSON: I did. I need to move our seed…our seed to good soil.
FREY: Well, our seeds are very individual, Scott.
PETERSON: I’d like to plant it.
FREY: You enter this world alone, naked, and you will leave this world alone.
PETERSON: I don’t believe that.
FREY: I do.
FREY: You have to…you have…you as an individual and you…
PETERSON: Don’t you leave the world with your loved ones? Not leave, but you take them with you?
FREY: This is the hardest thing for me in this life is no matter how much I want ( ) the people around to believe in God and to believe and have faith…
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FREY: …that is something I have no control over. And that’s the hardest thing for me is my friends and my family is that they don’t have that like I do.
FREY: And it’s hard for me because in my faith without that…the Bible even says without good faith, and in faith, that you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. And that’s sad to me because our life is such a flash, it…it happens so quickly. This is…this is…this is just a second, less than a second of eternity.
FREY: That’s hard for me. That…Shawn has been a good person and everything and that’s where back on Matthew or Chapter 7, I am…I am not one to judge, who am I to judge? There is only one that you will stand before that will judge and I mean from what I know, Shaw, no matter how good of a person she is and good-hearted and she is so loving, she does not believe in God. That is hard for me.
FREY: ) And my friend, Jennifer, the one that her baby’s due on my birthday too, she’s…
PETERSON: Oh, yeah.
FREY: I haven’t talked with her in a while, she even…she thought because her husband was a Christian no matter whatever she thought, that because you’re married that, you know, that you both…you both will go to Heaven or you both are this or that and I said…
FREY: And I said that’s not…that’s not…that’s not the way it is. You are an individual that are responsible for your own self in that sense of religion and faith. Your husband can’t carry that over for you. He could want that for you, but he can’t.
PETERSON: Yeah. You have to accept it yourself.
FREY: That’s an individual personal relationship that you have with God.
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FREY: That no matter how much I pray for you, Scott…
PETERSON: It’s up to me to accept God, no question.
PETERSON: There’s no question you’re right.
FREY: That is why I could pray for people and I could pray for different things and…I don’t know what I believe, it’s just…and I think about how selfish it is of me and here I’m in my…my fucked up world I’m living in right now. You know what…what…and what your family’s going through, that just breaks my heart.
FREY: And you, I just…I…I have such mixed emotions with that that…
PETERSON: I can understand.
FREY: You know, you’ve lied to me, you’ve told me all these things where you’ve been in Europe and you’re in Maine and all these things and you’re lying and then this is going on around me and, you know, and now it’s…you know, and the whole entire world is involved in knowing of the disappearance of Laci Peterson. And…and, you know for me to be with my God he absolutely…he knows who is guilty of her disappearance. How could you not be? When…I mean you sit there and talk to me and has told me that he’s somewhere else and he’s not the whole time, how can you not possibly be involved in her disappearance?
PETERSON: I’m not, Amber.
FREY: And my family, there is not one person, Scott, in my life that doesn’t think you’re innocent. And there’s really just a very small percentage of me that thinks that you are. (
PETERSON: ) (pause) How’s Ayianna?
FREY: Well, she’s getting better.
PETERSON: How is this affecting her?
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FREY: Um…she…well, I think it’s mostly affected her sleep. But I think she’s doing better. Um…
FREY: What do you…what do you think of how I feel? I mean you had no response.
PETERSON: What, I’m sorry?
FREY: I said you had no response in what I just told you about how I feel?
PETERSON: It hurts, Amber, um…but I mean I have done nothing. Um…I understand that you can’t trust me now. You know, and with other people saying that, and it makes me so angry with you it…it just hurts. Um…but I haven’t ever…I haven’t done anything that you would trust me. Um…the only thing that I could hope is that the time we’ve spent together that you would know that I could never do anything like this. I think um…you know, I think you’re ri…
FREY: But you could do so much as cry though. I mean that’s huge.
PETERSON: I know I lied to you, but I know that rationally I…I understand where, you know, what you say because I lied to you so much and I hurt you so much. But I think that you know me well enough just from, you know, physically being close to me that, you know, that I could never do anything like that. And I just hope that you could listen…
FREY: But even in that sentence alone, Scott, being with you and thinking I knew you, that you wouldn’t lie to me.
PETERSON: But there’s so…yeah, but I’m talking about a knowledge of a person that is more than, you know, that is deeper than that. And I think…I know that…you know, I mean your spirit, you know what kind of person I am in my spirit. And I think that if you listen to that side you would know that I could never do anything like that. And that’s the only solace that I can take is that I know if you listen to, you know, your…your spirit. You know the truth.
FREY: I struggle with that, Scott, I don’t know.
PETERSON: I know that, Amber.
FREY: I just don’t…
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PETERSON: And I hope it starts speaking to you.
FREY: I want to believe that you had nothing to do with her disappearance.
PETERSON: I believe you know I didn’t.
FREY: But because…
PETERSON: But because I lied to you…
FREY: You’ve lied to me.
PETERSON: …rationally it’s difficult to…
FREY: Don’t you…(inaudible,
FREY: …to thinking that you are innocent of it either, Scott.
PETERSON: Amber, I’m not trying to influence you or change you, I’m just saying how I feel.
FREY: ) I’m just telling you where I’m coming from and what I have to struggle with every day. And then when I’m at work and I’m working I have to fight so hard to not cry and I’m thinking God, you know, even when I’m at work, I’m in session…are you there? Hello? Hello? (beep) Hello?